My name is Holli. I just turned 18 years old in December 2004 and have already gone through what I think will be one of the hardest things in my life. I have a wonderful boyfriend named Aaron who also just turned 18 in November 2004. When we found out that I was pregnant we were so happy even though we were only 17 at the time. Aaron and I have been best friends since we were kids. Even though we've only been dating since April of 2004 we've always had a really close connection with one another. We both recently moved to different states. I moved back to Florida and he moved to South Carolina, so we didn't live as close as we once did, but we still saw each other. Now a little more about me. I've always been the type that watches discovery health and all kinds of medical shows dealing with pregnancy. I also read up on things that I don't know much about so I was always on the Internet reading about miscarriages and problems in pregnancy, but have never came across anything about a molar pregnancy.

     I went to stay with Aaron in September 2004 and by October I hadn't gotten my period but I figured it was just all the stress I was under since I didn't have any of the tell tale pregnancy signs like morning sickness. Aaron and I had talked about what if I was pregnant, but he too thought it was just stress. Then I started saying I know my body and I felt very different. I was under some stress because his grandmother and I didn't really get along. His grandmother would always talk about me like I wasn't there and that would upset me but now it upset me more than usual. I can remember one time in the car she was talking about me and I just got this thought in my mind "How can she talk about his baby's mom like that?" I'm not really sure where it came from but that was a few weeks after I was there and way before I found out I was pregnant. Then in the beginning of October I started to feel nauseous every once in awhile but I figured I was just sick because I had a cold when I had came up and I still had a stuffy nose. Then on the 20th of October his grandmother and I got into a fight in the middle of the night so I went outside and started walking like I usually do when I get mad and after a few hours of fighting with her she decided that she would leave. That same night when his grandmother was leaving my mother had called to see how I was doing. I was very upset that his grandmother was leaving and felt that it was my fault so I told my mother to come get me so I could go home because I didn't want to cause anymore problems. Well, the very next day his grandmother came home so I tried to stay out of sight until Sunday the 24th when my mother was supposed to come to get me.

     Aaron and I went to get a pregnancy test because I wanted to know for sure if I was pregnant or not before I went home. So, on the 21st of October I took my first at home pregnancy test and it turned to a dark positive within seconds. I showed Aaron and then I re-read the instructions many times to make sure I did it right. The very next day I took the second test that was in the box because I was still in disbelief and sure enough that was a dark positive too. After the second positive Aaron and I began to tell the good news to some close friends. I was a little leery about telling people for some reason. I had another weird feeling I didn't want to tell people just in case something had happened because I had read many stories about people's losses, they would tell everyone about the pregnancy and then a few weeks later they'd have to tell them they miscarried, and I didn't want that to happen so I only told a few people, but he was very excited and told everyone he talked to. For the next few days I contemplated on how I was going to tell my mother that I was pregnant. I was so happy that Aaron and I would be bringing a life into this world, but at the same time I felt like I let my family down because I was only 17 and not married. I cried every night for hours because I felt like such a failure. I didn't want my mother to think she failed as a parent because she has given me so much and I can't thank her enough. I was also scared because I was always my grandparents little girl and now they were going to be disappointed in me. I love my grandparents with all my heart and I just want them to know I did mess up, but I love Aaron and we're going to do things right. I wasn't sure what to do, but then the next thing I know it was Sunday and my mom was on her way to pick me up. I really didn't want to leave Aaron because this was a time that I really needed him, but before we left we were dropping him off at Wal-mart where his grandmother works as we pulled into the parking lot my mom was looking for a place to park and there was a sign that said "Parking for Expectant Mother's" and my mother said "Gee Holli, Are you pregnant?" and she laughed, so did we. We dropped him off and were on our way home.

     When we were about an hour away from our house I started crying and was thinking of a way to tell my mother that I was pregnant. This is how I told my mother, first I apologized for being a disappointment to everyone and I just wanted to know that they'll still love me no matter what I choose to do in my life and she said I wasn't a disappointment then I said "Do you remember what you asked me in the parking lot at Wal-mart? Well, the answer is yes." Then I started to cry and said I'm sorry many times, she cried too and told me that I was older than she was. When she told me that I was confused, I didn't know what she was talking about. My mother went on to tell me that she got pregnant at 16 and her mother made her have an abortion, this was the first time I had ever heard of this. After my mother told me this I felt kind of betrayed because she had never told me or my brother about this before, I felt as if I'd been lied to my whole life then I started wondering what it would have been like if she had kept it. After we both calmed down I called my older brother and asked him how he felt about being an uncle and at first he was in shock then he cried then he told me that Aaron had better take care of me and the baby. Once we finally got home my mom started calling to tell my family what was going on.

     My mother told me it was my choice on what I did because she knows how hard it is and when she looks at my older cousins she thinks what it would be like if she had not given her baby up. On the other hand my grandparents wanted me to have an abortion because "this would ruin my life" I automatically ruled that option out. I talked to my mom's friend which is like a mother to me and she was telling me all the options that I had and she'd help me with anything I needed. She said if I chose to keep the baby that it will be hard but she knows I'd be able to do it. She also told me I could go through with the pregnancy and if it gets too hard that she would adopt the baby and she'd make sure the baby knew that I was his or her mother. Then finally there was my dad. My mom called him and told him what was going on, he said that he would support me in anything that I did, but he was too young to be a grandpa. My mom tried to get me on the phone with my dad, but I wouldn't talk to him because he told my mother that she had to get an abortion when he got her pregnant when she was 16. I also wouldn't talk to him because he has never supported me in what I've done, he's never been there for me and I knew he wouldn't start now. My dad is a dead beat so I don't care to speak with him especially about this.

     I guess the next thing would be that I went on October 27th to the doctor's office to have a pregnancy test preformed. The test confirmed that I was pregnant and the doctor started me on pre-natal vitamins. The doctor then sat and talked with my mother and I. She told me my options and was really pushing for me to put the baby up for adoption and much to my surprise she didn't mention an abortion, but I suppose that's a good thing because I don't take kindly to that. On November 17th I went to the WIC office and got set up to receive WIC checks. The next day, the 18th, was my first OB/GYN appointment. My OB/GYN appointment went well, I talked to a social worker then had blood taken, answered questions, filled out papers and they gave me information on pregnancy. The lady at the clinic told me everything looked really good and my pregnancy should go well because I was young, healthy, and didn't smoke or drink. December 9th I went to my OB/GYN appointment to get my very first pelvic exam so that was a bit nerve wracking, but she said everything looked fine, I was the right size for my dates, so I asked if I could here the heartbeat because I had been reading people's stories where everything had been fine and then the next thing you know the baby didn't have a heartbeat so I was a bit worried. She got out the Doppler and started looking for the heartbeat. After awhile she said she thought she had heard the heartbeat twice, but she was going to send me for an ultrasound the following Monday to make sure. She kept telling me that everything was fine that the baby was probably just "running from her."

     Monday, December 13, 2004, I went in and got set up. The technician didn't seem to be a very nice lady and she didn't talk to anyone so I was a bit uncomfortable during the whole thing. She moved so fast I didn't get time to see anything on the screen and after doing that she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound which I had never heard of before I figured it was just something new, but she did that and she was saying something about she was checking my ovaries. I was just confused as to everything she was doing.

     After my very uncomfortable ultrasound visit I went home and took a nap. A few hours later I was awoken by a phone call, it was my OB/GYN. She asked me if the lady that did my ultrasound had said anything to me and I said no she was kind of rude and didn't talk. Then she asked if my mom or anyone was home with me, I told her my mom was and my mom happened to pick up the phone when I did. My OB/GYN continued to tell me that I had what they called a complete molar pregnancy and she told me that there was no baby just placenta and a bunch of cysts. After she said that there was no baby I just kind of blanked out and don't really remember what else she said. She then asked me if I was ok, I said yes and hung up the phone. After I hung up the phone I ran to my bed and started to cry uncontrollably. I had so many things going through my mind like "What did I do wrong?", "What should I had done differently?" My mom then came in my room to see how I was and I tried to talk while I was crying. I then tried calling Aaron and he had been working a lot so it was very hard to get a hold of him. Much later that day I got a hold of him, I was crying when he answered and he asked me what was wrong, but I just couldn't say anything. I finally managed to tell him what happened, he was in as much shock as I was and couldn't say anything, then he started to cry. After a few minutes of silence he said he'd have to call me back later when he could actually say something. A few days later, December 16th, I went to the clinic to talk to my OB/GYN and Dr. Lin who was a more qualified OB/GYN. They told me more about the molar pregnancy, how it wasn't anyone's fault, and what would be happening. On the next day, December 17th, I had an appointment at Dr. Lin's office which happened to fall on the same day that I was 16 weeks along. Dr. Lin did a pelvic exam, a regular ultrasound, and also a trans-vaginal ultrasound. He was much nicer about the whole thing than the technician I had the first time. I actually got to see the screen when he was doing the ultrasound, he explained what everything was, and he even gave me a ultrasound picture to keep. After the exam we went into his office and scheduled a D&C and he told me about the procedure.

     My D&C was scheduled for Monday, December 20, 2004 which was mine and Aaron's 8 month anniversary. My D&C was supposed to be at 12:00am, he said to be there an hour early and I wasn't allowed to eat or drink after midnight the night before. We got to the Day Surgery area of the hospital at 10:30am, signed in, and the lady took my paper right as I set it down. Now it was time for what seemed to be the longest wait of my life. I was hungry, thirsty, tired, nervous, and every other emotion you could think of. I kept looking at the clock and noon kept getting closer and the waiting room keep getting emptier. About 15 minutes before I was supposed to go into surgery they still hadn't called me back, so I went to the desk and I ask why. The lady at the desk said that she was told that I didn't show up. I had been there since 10:30am and they didn't once call my name. If it were me and they said someone didn't show up I'd check the sign-in sheet and the waiting room. They finally called me back and I got into my hospital gown. Since I was so late getting back into pre-operative I met the anesthesiologist then I was being asked a bunch of questions while I was filling out paper work and getting my IV put in. After all that commotion I was wheeled into the operating room already feeling a bit sleepy then the last thing I remember was being strapped down to the table. A few hours later I woke up in post-operative still a little groggy. The first two nurses I had weren't all that nice, but then they had a shift change and the last nurse I had was very nice. I had to use the bathroom and finish a pitocin drip before they released me.

     My recovery from the D&C went well, there wasn't much bleeding or pain. On December 22 I started going to get my blood taken to check my hCG levels. I now go get blood taken every Wednesday until my hCG levels are at zero for at least 3 weeks. Then I get blood taken every 2 weeks to make sure they stay down and if they stay down I go in once a month. They have yet to start me on birth control, but they say they will do it soon, since I'm not allowed to get pregnant for the next year.

     Now here I am discussing my thoughts on everything that has happened. Before I even knew that I was pregnant I had this strange feeling that I was and I was so happy. I've been wanting to get married and have kids for a very long time. Since I found out that I was pregnant I had this strange feeling in the back of my mind, but this feeling was that something was wrong. I really didn't want to tell anyone I was pregnant because I was afraid something was going to happen and I'd have to tell everyone I wasn't pregnant anymore. Sometime after my first OB/GYN appointment my mom and I went to Babies R' Us to look at cribs and strollers, we started talking about buying a stroller but I told my mom maybe we should wait awhile longer. I ended up buying a Baby's keepsake Christening set that night though. I also looked at baby books because I really wanted to start one but once again I got that feeling that I don't want to start a baby book and not be able to finish it. I hated having that constant feeling that something was wrong with my baby. I also had this feeling that since Aaron had been working a lot and I couldn't get a hold of him that one day soon I'd need to get a hold of him to tell him that something was wrong. On December 9th when I went to have my first pelvic exam I asked to hear the heartbeat because I had that feeling something was wrong. She told me everything was fine, I was the right size, the labs looked good, she thought she heard the heartbeat twice, but still something didn't feel right. As you know she set me up to have an ultrasound and up until I was at the office to have it done I was so afraid to get it done because I just knew they were going to find something wrong, but I still thought maybe I just worry too much. I think that day was one of the worst days I will ever have in my life. I knew something was wrong when the technician didn't say anything to me because if everything was ok she would've let me see the heartbeat and what I did see on the screen didn't look like anything I've ever seen on all the shows I've watched. Another hint that something was really wrong was when I was in the bathroom changing my mom asked if I'd be able to know the sex of the baby and the lady said that it was way too early but at that point in time I was a few days away from 16 weeks and I'm pretty sure sex can be determined at 14 or 15 weeks. Through out the whole thing I thought something was wrong and told everyone and no one believed me, but I know my body. I just wish it wasn't true.

     I think one of the hardest parts of having a molar pregnancy was the fact that I didn't get to hear a heartbeat, see the baby on the ultrasound, feel a kick, know if it was a boy or a girl, see what color hair and eyes it had, know if he or she looked like me or Aaron, or even get to hold our little baby. We have to wait a year until we can try to have another baby and that's kind of hard too. Now it seems like everywhere I go someone's pregnant. I cry just because I'm not fat I should be almost 6 months pregnant right now. Sometimes I think that it was all just a bad dream and I'm still pregnant with a healthy baby. I just can't wait until Aaron and I can have our healthy baby. In the end atleast we know our little angel baby is safe in heaven being taken care of by Aaron's dad.